Conviction hit me like a ton of bricks.  Not like a cool breeze sweeping across my face in loving gentleness....like a ton of bricks. 

Gentleness is wonderful, but sometimes bricks are very much needed.  I was sitting in a recent woman's conference hearing encouraging words when she pulled out the big guns.

"IN YOUR PURSUIT OF HOLINESS, HAVE YOU LEFT JESUS BEHIND?"

What, of course not!  Leave Jesus behind...no.  I am pursuing holiness and loving Him more.  I'm doing all I can and being involved in "spiritual" things and I am reading my Bible.  How would that be leaving Jesus behind? And then I realized......maybe I had been. 

In this beautiful life the Lord has given me, that I like to sometimes refer to as chaos, I forget to sit at His feet and listen to Him.  I forgot that sometimes it's not about the doing.  And so very often I forget it's not about me.  Why do we pursue holiness?  Why do I?...  Is it for the acceptance?  Is it for the approval? Is it for the check list?   Do I want to be obedient to His voice or go along my holiness journey and hope that Jesus catches up and joins along with me? Or am I pursuing Him out of the depths of a love for Jesus or even a true realization of all He has done for me and how deeply He loves me.

Quite honestly, I don't even want my goal to be about pursuing holiness anymore, because even in that it can become about "my" holiness.  I want "me" to be completely taken out of the equation.  I want to just pursue Jesus.  To know Him in the power of His resurrection.  As Anne Graham Lotz says so frequently, "Just give me Jesus."

Strip all that is me and make everything in my life about You....

Kissing His face....

One year ago today it happened.  Part of my heart has disappeared for just a bit. It will be reconnected on that  day we meet again in Heaven.  My Grandma.....Heaven is rejoicing as it's her 1 year birthday with her Jesus.

 The seasons continue to change....we all get older....life journeys on.  There is part of my heart that lies empty, trying to journey on -  yet missing.  Reaching Heaven is ultimately the beginning.  The beginning of forever...eternity with the Lord.  My Grandma's earthly body is gone yet her memory is everywhere.  For briefly she was just on vacation in my mind.  The reality of her being gone has sunk in more deeply and I realize how deeply impacted she was in every area of our family....a spiritual giant. It's different now. Who fills that role?  Who can.  I often stop and wish I would have taken one more minute to love on her....one more conversation on the phone....one more meal together...listened a bit closer.

So, we move on and a year of life passes by.  We don't forget her we just miss her.  We miss who she represented and was to us in our family and it finally sets deep in our hearts that we will never see her again on this earth...never.  We continue to live on in the legacy and faith she paved for us.  Her life was lived to the brim and we honor her by remembering the words of life she spoke to us so often.  Her encouragement to us of who she wanted us to be in Him.  Her tenderness of joy and life as celebrated as unto the King!  I I often wish I could visit with her for just a moment.  Asking her of what it's like to be with Jesus.  What it's like to walk on streets of gold.  What it is like to kiss God's face.

A year ago I lost my precious Grandma.  I wouldn't wish for her to be any other place though but with her Savior.  We miss her...I miss her, but with that emptiness of heart comes a joy in the mourning that days will come and go....we will all get older.....life will journey on and with each passing day we too are closer to seeing our King and worshiping along side her - going Home.