My blog friend Sarah inspired me with her writing today because well...I know exactly her journey. Sometimes because of my journey & struggle with weight, I can appreciate her journey more than the average person; even though one can only be but proud when one achieves this goal.
I still remember where I was, who told me, and what I felt the first time someone called me "fat."
There are many people in this world that struggle with weight, but there are some of us that have a real addiction...it goes beyond eating & obsession...you see, I've been obese. It's a battle within us - a daily sometimes even momentarily dying to self. We all have our "thorns" as Paul in the Word describes, but being overweight is mine.
We pulled out some home videos of our family recently and were watching them & I was mortified...humiliated...embarrassed. Why didn't some one tell me how out of control I'd gotten?...that was my immediate response, followed by tears, and shame. When you're in those shoes you don't often see it yourself. It was no one else's fault but my own. My decisions...my choice.
Today, I read my friend Sarah's posting and was touched, because I understand. I finished reading her post and went over to the stove where I had just finished baking chocolate chip cookies and after having one, I wanted two. I stood there and the battle began...Sarah's posting was very fresh in my mind and I said inside to myself..."It's not worth it, Earen"....and I began to cry. You see...it's an addiction...it's a battle....it's a giving up of the flesh and letting my Spirit man rise up within me and be victorious. I took the two cookies I had just freshly baked and threw them down the sink drain as tears were streaming down my face. "Why am I crying?" "Pull yourself together Earen, it's just a cookie!" But you see...it's not.
That cookie represents every piece of junk I've ever eaten...every piece of garbage I've put in my body....the destruction that I allowed to be set in motion....It represents the flesh. The tears stream down and I battle to hold on to all that I love...yet I've been loving myself falsely. This isn't love...but now I sacrifice. Laying all "I want" at the feet of Jesus, to have more of Him..to be more like Him.
A small victory through Christ was achieved here today and I might have to cross this barrier again soon, but it goes very deep for me. The reality of the struggle goes deep to my core. But then I remember...I have the power of the living Christ inside of me! The HOPE of glory, the resurrected Christ, the GREAT I AM, the King of Kings and Lord of Lords! And the reality of who I am returns to my heart. I am His and He is mine. This weight might be my battle for the time being, but the victory belongs to the Lord...to the Glory of His name.
Sarah, I thank you for sharing in the amazing way that you write. For today the Lord used you to remind me that it's not worth it and to keep persevering in this journey. For truly, I understand and am so proud of you....
16 comments:
I just came from Sarah's blog and as a person who has struggled with my weight for much of my life, I was also touched. Thanks for your honesty - blessings on you my friend!
Dearest-- I cry as I read your blog, for I have seen your struggle and know that only Jesus, who is your BREAD can fill your needs and He is the LIVING WATER the ONE who can quench your thirst! I am so thankful you turn to Him in all your hurts, fears and questions. He is interceding for you right now! And He hears your every prayer and cry and He puts them in a bowl. He alone is your VICTORY! I know that the melting pot that your are in is where Jesus is refining you into silver ready to be used to worship Him. You are already a lovely vessel, He is well pleased with you! I dearly love you- Mama
hi me again. after I read your blog and I must confess I did eat the 2 cookies ( col that is short for cry out loud like lol is laugh out loud) teehee. So I went and walked the hill to the water tower( it is very steep) when I am the top there is a beautiful view of the mountains! I thought of the scripture that you learned when you were 5- I lift up my eyes to the hills, where does my help come from? My HELP comes from the LORD the MAKER of heaven and earth and HE does not slumber and HE will not let your foot slip. He made the mountains, how amazing is that and HE will help you to conquer the mountain and cross the Jordan and enter the promise land! And I think it would be a great idea if you lol a lot more! It is good medicine. love you forever!
Weight seems to be at the forefront of a lot of minds today (on mine from Cold Tangerines and a couple of chapters in that book). You are beautiful to Him, Earen. Yes, we ought to take care of our bodies as He instructs, but no matter the outside, your heart is beautiful to Him. "Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised." And you, friend, are to be praised for your beautiful spirit.
I know the struggle all too well myself. I believeFood addiction is as bad as heroin (not that I have ever been addicted to heroin).
It is deeper than just wanting food, it is a constant inner battle. Even though we need it to live, food can be a fierce enemy to some of us. Thank you for being so honest - I shook my head up and down the whole time I read your post because I know the battle sister, I know it all too well. It is nice that you arent afraid to talk about your issues with weight - its a hard subject and that is just another reason why I just love me some Earen!
Why does food have to be such a struggle?? I have been there many times myself dear friend! Those fresh bakes cookies are far too tempting!
I am so proud of you Earen! You have worked hard and learned so much on this journey. You have a beautiful spirit - and I thank you for sharing your story!
Thank you for sharing. I too, struggle with this (and am reading, writing this just after finishing about 10 Ree*se's chocolate eggs). I'm ashamed, frustrated for not sticking to a diet, embarrased that my self control runs so thin. I pray that the strength of Jesus continues to run through your veins. You have come so far, and I pray that the weight continues to come off (and STAY off). Well done, my friend.
You are beautiful, Earen, both inside and out. I am thankful that God brought our little cyber friendship into being. You touch my heart with every post and you are not alone in this.
I am there too. One sugary snack always turns into multiple ones for me. I am on day 8 without sugar and I can already feel a difference.
There for the grace of God go I.
Sure love your heart and sweet spirit. Do not become weary in well doing, my friend.
Earen, beautiful post. One I wish I could not relate to. It is a deep struggle. So much more than just a cookie. I understand.
Oh Earen...
How I praise Him for your step of victory. How I love your honesty but pray for your struggle. We all have our "stuff" and Lord knows this girl here has an addictive personality too so I know parts and pieces of your struggle and pain.
Praying for you. Hoping that we can all lay it down at His feet daily....hourly if need be.
Much love~
Fran
A wise man once said, "He who sits at the table of Life will receive the first fruits of whatever." What that means is I love you just the way God has created you.
Love - A Wise Old Daddy!
Oh Earen! Tears came to my eyes as I read your parents comments! I can feel their love for you!
Like many others, I struggle with this too. Twice before in my adult life I have temporarily conquered it, only to get pregnant once again! Now here I sit, after baby3, and almost as heavy as I've ever been. It's depressing, and draining. The last two weeks I've really been praying and talking things through with the Lord. I feel like I'm ready to begin the process again, but it's a long, hard road. I'll say a prayer for you too, as we battle together!
Your testimony Earen is both amazing and encouraging.
Use those old videos and photos as a reminder of His grace towards you. You look great and I cannot wait to hear more from this amazing story of grace!
Thank you SOO much, Earen. I am so encouraged by YOUR openess. It's difficult to put yourself out there like that. I agree with Mari: blessings on you!
I am speechless. Your honesty has touched my soul. I wish I really "knew" you so I could hug your neck and tell you how beautiful you are. We all have our thing that seperates us from having a completely FREE life. Like Paul says, I do what I do not want to do. I hate what I do.
Be strong, and know that He is GOD.
You have one of the most beautiful hearts that I have ever experienced, Earen. To think that you have ever considered yourself anything less than beautiful is heartbreaking to me, because your beauty is radiant.
Thank you for being so open and honest with us, and for sharing this sweet, sweet heart with us.
I am so proud of how far you have let the Lord bring you on this journey, and can't wait to hear more about it. You are such an encouragement to me, and to many others. I love you!
Post a Comment